it’s oxygen to the soul, a healing balm to the hurting, a gentle caress to the soul, and a breath of fresh air that can make a cold heart long for a warm hug.
Today’s post is by a relationship coach who reached out to share his insight on the dynamics of relationships with you (and me) here. So, set that hot drink, smoothie, or bowl of tasty soup on the table beside you, sit back and get comfy.
‘4 Eye-Opening Lessons That Will Transform Your Relationships’ by Roman Mironov
Here’s a story of a Wall Street professional losing his family only to realize how important it is to him.
“What does a relationship coach do?”
Shaun, 42, had to ask himself that question.
Even though he was a successful Wall Street professional, he felt like a failure.
His wife filed for divorce and left with their two kids.
Shaun regretted the choices he made in the past and got depressed.
A friend wanted to help him and referred him to a relationship coach.
Here are the four lessons Shaun learned from the coach that changed his life.
Lesson 1: Work on saving your relationship instead of leaving
Shaun’s wife chose to leave instead of saving the marriage.
That’s what her girlfriends might’ve suggested but it’s a toxic approach.
Unless there’s a physical threat, it’s always best to salvage a relationship.
And here’s why:
Reason 1: We all need love
Shaun had to learn it the hard way.
He hadn’t realized how important love had been to him until he lost it.
Without his family, he felt empty and unfulfilled, despite having a great career.
That’s because the need for love is our survival need.
We’ve got to keep our relationship going so that we continue to meet this need.
Reason 2: Creating a new relationship might not be easy or rewarding
When relationships end, people often feel depressed and unmotivated.
It’s hard to find a new partner in that state.
Especially because you need to get out of your comfort zone.
Moreover, relationships become more difficult because of social isolation.
People may also realize that their new partner is no better than the old one.
They don’t see that the problem is with themselves but not the partner.
That said, it’s usually better to improve your relationship instead of ending it.
Watch this video to learn about one easy way to do so:
Lesson 2: Love unconditionally
Shaun never experienced the full power of love that his heart could give.
Instead of trusting his heart, he was approaching his love logically.
He thought that he needed his wife to do something for him to feel loved.
But his wife expected the same from him.
And neither of them felt alive as a result.
Shaun’s relationship coach worked with him to explain how love really works.
We feel love when we give it unconditionally.
And withholding love always causes us pain.
That’s why we need to learn to love unconditionally.
The best example is how we love a newborn child.
We just love it, right?
We don’t have any conditions for doing so.
But as the child grows up, we come up with conditions they need to fulfill to be loved.
Cultivating unconditional love isn’t easy but very rewarding.
Lesson 3: Meet your partner’s needs
Shaun’s wife left him because he didn’t meet her fundamental needs in the marriage.
- She wanted love but he wasn’t there to give it.
- His wife wanted to feel certain that he would always be there. But his lack of presence made her feel uncertain all the time.
- She also wanted significance but Shaun never made her feel that. Instead, she felt as if she didn’t matter to him at all.
The coach explained a concept of the three relationship levels to him:
- Selfish love: I want you to meet my needs.
- Conditional love: I’ll meet your needs as long as you meet mine.
- Unconditional love: Your needs come first with me.
Shaun and his wife didn’t meet each other’s needs.
Each of them wanted the other to do something for them first.
They were caught up in a trading mentality—the second level of relationships.
The relationship coach taught Shaun to move to the third level.
At this level, you recognize your partner’s needs and go out of your way to meet them.
You put your partner’s needs first.
You see each request from your partner not as a complaint but as an opportunity to meet their need.
And when you do so so, you light your partner up.
That’s what makes both of you happy in the relationship.
Lesson 4: Be present
Another mistake Shaun made was not paying enough attention to his wife.
When they sat down to talk, he never listened.
He was caught up in thinking that whatever his wife said wasn’t as important as his work.
He would dismiss what she was feeling and tell her what he thought she should do.
She hated this: she didn’t want solutions but needed him to listen and understand.
The relationship coach taught Shaun to be more present in his relationships:
- Give 100% attention to your partner. Don’t interrupt. Look deeply into their eyes.
- Get interested in them and appreciate their world.
- Take time for long conversations to develop deep emotional connections.
- Don’t rush to offer solutions to your partner’s problems. They often don’t want a solution but just want you to listen.
The answer to “What does a relationship coach do?”
By working with a relationship coach, Shaun understood relationships at a deeper level.
He now has more love to give than ever in his life.
To find out the rest of the story and understand what a relationship coach does, check out Roman Mironov‘s coaching services.
His motto is, “I’ll fight for your marriage.”
Roman does a few hours of pro bono coaching each week.
If you want to take advantage of this opportunity, subscribe to his newsletter or contact him online at www.romanmironov.com